4-2 ASDET
Liner notes
It's the stuff of legends: a 1994 Caribbean Cup match between Barbados and Grenada, played under experimental rules (I'm not going to explain them here, but the song and the wikipedia page both do) leading to an unconventional dénouement. And it's the sort of thing I'd love the Pseudorandom Ensemble to sing about, but it's been repeatedly vetoed. Bah.Sam: There’s been a GOAL! In St Michaels! Colin.
Colin: You couldn’t make it up, Sam, they’ve doubled up their lead
Barbados grab a second, and the margin that they need
Currently they top the group, with Grenada runners-up
And failing to progress into the Caribbean Cup
If anything else happens, you’ll be the first to know
Right now it’s back to Sam and Gavan in the studio
Gavan: I should explain the table, this cup does not have draws
And that explains the asterisks beside some of the scores
If matches finish level, that’s not the end of things
There’s up to 30 minutes playing next goal wins
And to make it more exciting, adding some intrigue
Golden goals count double for the purpose of the league
Sam: GOAL! In St Michaels! Colin.
Colin: You couldn’t make it up, Sam, that’s their first attack
There’s seven minutes left here, Grenada’s pulled one back
The fans in the away stand are going cock-a-hoop
If the scoreline stays this way, Grenada top the group
If anything else happens, you’ll be the first to know
Right now it’s back to Sam and Gavan in the studio
Gavan: Hang on… I see a problem, they haven’t thought this through
This could get very messy if they realise it too
It’s time for some game theory, with incentives misaligned
This win would put Barbados out, 2-2 means extra time
And golden goals count double, so it’s all in their control
They stay in the competition if they score in either goal.
Sam: GOAL! In St Michaels! Colin.
You couldn’t make it up, Sam, how crazy can it get?
They can’t break down Grenada, so they’ve scored in their own net
The referee’s bewildered, befuddled are the fans
The coaches both have rule-books that they’re trying to understand
It’s bedlam in Barbados, a mathematics mess
What happens in the next few minutes is anybody’s guess
But wait a sec! Grenada have just twigged what’s going on
And it seems we might be in for a bizarre denouement
With increasing desperation, the Barbadians defend
In chaos as Grenada try to score at either end
Every time they get it, Barbados block and shield
And prevent the ball from moving more than ten yards from midfield
The clock ticks on to 90 and the final whistle blows
It’s back to Sam and Gavan in the studio
Gavan, ad-lib: I told you so. Nobody ever listens to the mathematician. Have they not seen Jurassic Park? It’s January 1994, it’s still in the theatres. Go and watch it. Honestly.
Sam: GOAL! In St Michaels!
Colin: You couldn’t make it up, Sam, a goal for Trevor Thorne
Barbados players jubilant, Grenadians forlorn
It’s over in St Michaels, and here’s the final score:
Grenada 2, Barbados 3 or 4.