The Mathematical Villain
Liner notes
This was the first song I wrote with Sam Hartburn, and it's one of my favourites. I'd just been to see Hamilton and came back with a sense of 'bloody hell, there are dimensions to songwriting I hadn't even considered', so I wanted to start throwing in more unstructured rhymes and half-rhymes. The 'you'll never prove anything' line was there from the beginning, a brutal burn.Greetings, greetings, welcome, what a thrill to have you here
From the mathematics circle and the scientific sphere
My name is... unimportant, irrelevant, obscure
But I'm sure you've felt my influence in work you've done before
I seek no notoriety, no fortune, no acclaim
But when maths becomes unmanageable -- I'm the man to blame.
Who foxed you with a paradox too toxic to explain?
A psychopathic polymath who paralysed your brain
Who's behind the checkin desk at the Hilbert Grand Hotel?
Who took the fun from functions, put the nerd in ne'rdowell?
It was me! (Call me reprehensible!)
It was me! (I'm the one responsible!)
The malarkey and the muddling, the mischief and the meddling
(It was) Me! And you'll never prove anything.
A rustle from the bookcase and a glimmer in the light
But by the time you turn your head, there's nobody in sight
But twenty minutes later when you go to take a look
The citation that you're searching for has vanished from the book
And never mind the reference unexpectly removed
You notice in a footnote, your whole theory's been disproved
Who threw out your notebooks citing lack of space?
But keeps a stack of obsolescent papers, just in case
Who wiped off instructions saying "please do not erase"?
Who threw away the markers and left Sharpies in their place?
It was me! (Sharpies are incredible!)
It was me! (Practically indelible!)
And now you find them smothering the truths you were discovering
(It was) Me! And you'll never prove anything.
A response to your research note I have ruthlessly reviewed
A collection of corrections and suggestions to improve
Some of it's pedantically dismantling semantics
Some of it is butchering your structure and schematics
Changes by tomorrow, please, the deadline we agreed
I know you sent it weeks ago, it was too long, didn't read
Who went through your spreadsheets turning data into dates?
Who hid all the typos until a click too late?
Who bollocksed up the brackets so your LaTeX won't compile
And sweetly sends back emails saying "couldn't read the file"?
"Could you send it in Word, please?"
It was me! (Figures separately if possible!)
It was me! (Who cares if it's illogical!)
Screwing up your lettering and ruining your editing
(It was) Me! And you'll never prove anything.
Sometimes you find your manuscript is tricky to decrypt
Your hieroglyphic penmanship, a symbol slipped, a signal skipped
Parentheses unemphasised, a character unclear
A fraction mis-subtracted, a denominator disappeared
Your calculation's catastrophic cancellation comes
From maths's Mephistopheles, the saboteur of sums
Who took away the minus sign you jotted down, you swear?
Who crossed out the cross term in your algebraic square?
Who woke you with an insight so you'd scrawl yourself a note
But when the morning rolls around, you can't read what you wrote?
It was me! (Nocturnal stroke of genius)
It was me! (That I have rendered meaningless)
Now it's just a scribbling that isn't worth considering
(It was) Me!
There's no point in getting pissed at me
It's been the same through history
While you persist ham-fistedly
In missing twists consistently
I'm giggling sadistically
You'll hear the hiss of "It was me!"
And you'll never prove anything.