SUNWSF
Liner notes
This is one of the few songs I can pin down almost exactly where I wrote it -- it was on a complicated train journey from Münster to Augsburg, and I only had a diary to write in. I'd heard a line from a comedian on an Irish radio show some weeks before giving the questionable advice contained in the song. I'm not sure I quite stand by the sentiments expressed any more, but I'll concede that it's still funny -- the SMELL line is very good. Oh -- and I'd forgotten, this was a key element of meeting my first serious girlfriend. I forgot a line in the chorus and she and her friend were shouting suggestions. That's a pretty good meet-cute.A friend of mine came up to me today
She said "Hello Colin" (she's friendly that way)
She said "There's this bloke I really fancy but he doesn't appreciate the way I feel"
I said "This man is obviously an imbecile"
She said "Well yeah, he's a bloke." I said "That's not very nice,
"And if you're going to be like that, I'm not going to give you advice."
She apologised, I said "OK then, your problem is easily resolved
"There's a sure-fire way to get almost any man romantically involved
"I don't know what's the matter with this dude
"His perspective on things is badly skewed
"But he will no longer need to be pursued
"If you show up naked with some food."
"Whoa whoa whoa," she said, "he lives at Fife Park*A University residence, notoriously far from the town centre. A full 20 minute walk! Strathkinness is the next village along.,
"And if you think I'm walking halfway to Strathkinness completely stark
"Naked then you're very much mistaken."
I shrugged, "Point taken,
"Even on a summer's night, temperatures her can drop to freezing
"And it would ruin the effect if stand on his doorstep sneezing
"Perhaps you're worried he will think you crude
"Don't be! No-one's that much of a prude
"You're bound to get him in the mood
"If you show up naked with some food."
"Before I go," she said, "just a couple more things
"Like, what kind of food would you recommend I bring?"
"Well," I said, "this calls for top notch catering
"Visit the Kinness Fry Bar *Home of Pepe, Master of Pizza, St Andrews' top take-away, purveyors of pizza fit for a king."
"And what about perfume? Mightn't the wrong scent deflect the darts of Cupid?"
I said "Look. You're turning up at his house... in the buff... with a pizza... and you're worried you're going to SMELL stupid?"
"What if he doesn't fancy me then, do all my dreams go up in smoke?"
I just smiled. "Like you told me, he's a bloke,
"These are not matters on which you should brood
"They simply don't matter when you're nude
"Your intent will not be misconstrued
"If you show up naked with some food."